Saturday, 9 November 2013

The Value of Men Maintaining Their Own Spaces

I found a great comment by someone called Ray Wolfson while I was reading 5 Ways To Eject From A Relationship over at Return of Kings. He touched on a lot of points that are worth considering and this shouldn't just dwindle away into the abyss of comment land. I like how he talks about how to deal with women's nesting habits in a way that allows for a functional lifestyle - in other words, maintain your own place apart from hers, and then go hang out at her place all the time, where you basically live... but not really, and you have the ability to "get away." Not only does this kind of arrangement take care of those pesky common-law legalities that increasingly seek to enslave men in the same ridiculous manner as modern marriage & divorce, but it also helps to lubricate the relationship by maintaining a bit of mystery. And, of course, you are never under her thumb as her little kitchen bitch. If she starts behaving ridiculously, as all relationships seem to steer towards in time, you have the ability to say "See ya, Toots!" and be done with her in under a day. This ability to stand your ground in the face of irrational behaviour, rather than acting like a servile worm in her house, will only help to maintain a higher level of respect within the relationship.

It wouldn't even have to be a fancy place that you've got. Check out this tiny pad:

It would easily do the trick for me as a get-away/hang-out where I could go to for a while, and as an address separate from a girlfriend to eliminate common-law status, and also as an emergency "landing pad" if ever needed. Think about how much money men lose by being forced into pseudo-marriages through common-law BS. Suddenly owning a little shack somewhere seems like an interesting investment, if it protects your greater assets from the family court system. 

Anyway, here is the comment for you to read:


By Ray Wolfson

I have been in a few long term relationships... it depends on her age and yours and if you and her want kids.

At the end of the day a long term relationship without kids is almost not worth having (plus she'll probably fill your house with horrid lapdogs and cats once she hits menopause)  My father is still bed hopping at 70+ and he says it gets easier because the older gals are much more mellow and accepting, but he does get into relationships that last. It is nice to have a special someone tied down, It's just not nice to be tied up !!!

So you really have to know what you want. If you want to start a family with the girl and go for real long term, then it's a simple equation, one that I have totally screwed up over the last few years, so take it from someone who has learned by mistakes big time.....

Firstly women like to nest, so provide her with that nest. The male turkeys build huge nests and then invite the females in. This has worked great for me with one huge BUT....once the female is in your nest - long term - it's not your nest any more it's HER NEST!

Therefore to maintain independence, status, protect your assets and so forth, (and be able to run a little game on the side) you need to set her up in your nest... make it her nest, but keep somewhere else for yourself (easy if you are self employed like me) then you can come and go as you please with impunity.

If things get tense you disappear for a couple of weeks.....

You have to firewall the asset and the 'family' nest as something you can literally walk away from same day.
This has been my mistake. I love chilling at home and I work from home and I'm always around, so basically way too available I think this is the mistake a lot of men make in LTRs (Long-term Relationships). It's not your home it's HERS. You can set her up in it and then come and go and basically maintain your status like a lover. The best LTR I had was with a girl who had her own place, and that place became like my pad in a sense, but I was always visiting her. She loved it when i arrived, greeted my like the finest 10 at the local brothel. It was fantastic. She wanted her man back in her nest. You see the difference!

Unless you do that, when things get difficult, your comfort, your base, your emotional center, your orientation etc. is all based around your 'home' where you live with her. She starts making that tense and awkward and your whole life falls apart and you feel homeless. You end up like that cliche guy getting a motel room for the night to get some peace. This is stressful disorientating, expensive, unproductive and shitty.

So you create a home with her, set her up long term, prenup, get married... GO FOR IT! But keep your distance and keep her AND your home with her at arm's length. Be able to write it off - then you will never have to!

Women in an LTR get under your skin. They discuss your life and work and business and everything with you. It all seems so harmless and warm, soft, friendly etc... HOWEVER.... when you need some space (or want to bang a hottie on the weekend) the LTR girl is all over you like a rash. She knows your work schedule, your family, your friends. You're like a 14 year old, giving her excuses just to go out for a Saturday night, even if it's just for a beer with some mates from work and nothing is going to happen. Shit i've had a girl in an LTR get jealous because i went for a jog in the forest for an hour on a Tuesday morning.

If you watch the TV show Mad Men, you see how all these guys in the 60s had important careers and stay home wives cooking them meals when they got home etc.etc. and one of the dynamics I loved about that old school LTR is the man's world remains this impressive mystery to the woman.

The same girl I had an LTR with i mentioned above, where we basically lived out of her place but I'd come and go... on our first date I told her I was an arms dealer, smuggling weapons to Africa. Of course she knew this was a joke, but with me coming and going on business, and away for a week here and a week there, it remained very exciting to her.

The mystery of my world, even if I was hell stressed with work... I was doing IT and Telecom setups and travelling alot... it kept her panties wet and I always maintained this aloof mystery. I never discussed my work with her. "DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" My world was a mystery and I came and went as I pleased. She hated it in a way and always nagged me to move in with her properly and finally stonewalled me to break up or move in fully... I called her bluff and split. I could see what was going to happen was I'd move in and she'd slowly get bored of having me around 24/7. The solution was not to break up with her, but carry on the dynamic of keeping her in orbit around me and my world, rather than allowing myself to be dragged into orbiting her rather shrink wrapped world. We could have rented a bigger apartment and put my name on the lease, and then I could have carried on exactly as before, for 10-20 years with kids and the lot. It was that easy... and she would have loved it and hated it.

You see women are never happy because what they love, they also hate. They hate being boned and controlled by this big male... but they also love it. You can never make that happy. You can only keep it just in the sweet spot where you want it to be. THINK ABOUT IT!

Even the most dull unimaginative middle management woman can make an excellent wife, home maker, momma, partner, LTR, work a job, bring in some cash etc. etc... provided you only spend that perfect amount of time with her, so she is amping for more, never quite gets enough of you..... and you don't get bored of her.

I think alot of these LTRs die because the man gets bored to tears. The woman senses his lack of interest and starts pushing him away. Solution? Keep your distance. Analyze how many hours per week can i really spend with this person... halve that number and stick to the program...

It's well known that Christmas and holidays are the time when most family breakups occur. WHY? Because too much time together = stifling, boring, tedious and GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

The earth orbits the sun at the correct distance, the electron orbits the proton at the correct distance. Make her your electron.. Be the proton. Be her sun at the centre of her universe. Don't be her moon manically in orbit around her.

This of course is exactly what happens to the poor schelp like me. I built a lovely home, with all my gadgets, office and so forth, work only a few hours a day, love my place, but she gets fed up with me lurking about all the time, and starts pushing me out. Now I feel like I'm in orbit around my home base whereas if i'd had my home base - my centre of gravity - somewhere else and her installed in "our home," she'd still be in orbit around me.

Ain't gravity a bitch !

When the electron gets too close to the proton it merges and creates a neutron. Oops! Neuter boy and frigid girl. No sex for them tonight. Don't let her get too close to destroy it. The problem with all this equality and so forth is we want to discuss and debate and negotiate everything, so the electron (the female) gets too close.


  1. Great post. I'm getting divorced and just built my own lair which is just big enough for me to live alone. Check it out!

    1. Cool Pad! Seriously!

      You know, the nice thing about a single person home, like yours, or the one I linked the video to, is that if you do meet a nice chick - and if you are older like me, so you are probably dating women with kids - is that a small one person dwelling neatly takes care of that "her moving in with YOU" argument. If you've only got one bedroom in a small pad, she won't be moving herself and her kids in with you (which you become legally liable for after time, as if you were a bio-dad).

      This way, she automatically wants "a different place than yours" and you don't have to make excuses. Just tell her that you don't want to get rid of your own place, and then "semi-live" at her place. Help her out with the rent if you must... just never legally share an address with her, or you will pay, and pay dearly.

  2. Also, if you maintain a separate pad from hers, but still want to pay her rent for the time you spend at her place, always try to pay in the form of "I'll pay for all the groceries" rather than with anything that has your name on it in the form of rent or utilities. Pay for the food. Pay for her gas. Whatever you do, don't ever put your name on anything legal to do with the address - and why should you, if you maintain your own address separate from hers, even if you only spend one night a week there.

  3. Great points Edwin. I'm still wrapping up my divorce so there's little chance of me falling into the black widow's nest of implied marriage. I do have a long distance "friend" in Brazil which keeps things separated not only by residence, but also by country!

  4. Did you know you can create short links with AdFly and make dollars from every click on your shortened urls.